School at UT Austin has started for over a month. I have 18 hours to get for my third semester at UT as I plan to apply for graduate school this Fall and graduate next spring. They are five math classes and one CS class, which indeed implies heavy workload everyday. Life is tough, this is the sentence that resound in my head for many times recently. Right at this moment when I’m writing blogs It just struck me that I hadn’t carried on my plan of preparation for GRE/GRE subject that I will take this April and this summer. You may know how uncomfortable I feel now. There are tons of things to be accomplished and I’m acting like a robot every single day. But to be honest, I cannot say I have tried all my best. February is the month of Chinese Lunar New Year, a time when my friends in China or abroad post pictures of wonderful food, traveling happy moments, time with family…… Whenever I got a chance to check out the pictures I’m usually in the middle of a coding project, or assignment, or preparation for interview. Sometimes I wish I can quit and do whatever I like without deadlines without restrictions of assignments homework lectures…
But when there is no pain, how can you know there is harvest waiting for you, how can you know you don’t feel bored again, how can you know you don’t feel lost? The same thing may happen and you will hope you switch to life you’re experiencing now.
I want to analyze why I feel tired. I have too high goals set to myself: I want to get good summer internship, I want to keep my high 3.9 GPA, I want to be appraised as awesome wonderful in every interview I get, I want to do graduate studies in Stanford University, I want to be a strong and tough and smart and adorable girl, I want to be respected and I want to contribute to people and society. I have so many ideas in mind and so grand ambition, but when I examine myself closely I must say, yes you’re hardworking you’re capable but no that’s all way from sufficient if these listed above are your goals! I hope I can reach my targets at once as if I lead my perhaps future 5 or 10 or more years in a week. It is definitely far fetched. Whenever I fail myself, I feel guilty and hopeless maybe. This is maybe the so called imposter syndrome.
I feel lucky in the sense that I can always reorient myself to a promising better orientation after I feel down. This is a really precious capability. Everybody has a time when they don’t feel like doing anything, but only those who can save themselves out of the mess can succeed in their own definitions. I believe I’m one of them. So let me note down what I will do and definitely will have dene in the future weeks.
At the end of February, I will have four upcoming midterms. That is a lot. BUT, yeah Anna you can definitely do it well and perfect. Remember this and next semesters are critical ones for your life. You are at a point where you will make lifelong decisions: where to go what to do after graduation. All the effort you pay during this time will be the effort that pay back the most, they will pay off and yo gotta remember, if you slack off and be laid back theses days, you will be regretful for the rest of your life!!! So get fully prepared for the midterms: do whatever you can to review and practice. March is an important month. I will plan to go to Stanford to visit ICME and also other departments during spring break, and then I’m also hearing from ICES about my summer research internship. Prepare for GRE whenever you can!!!
When can I say I tried all my best? When can I realize from the deepest of my heart that I’m not satisfied to be mediocre? When can I comprehend the essence of the word “no pain no gain”? When can I save myself from meaningless self doubt? Alas, it should be today. No better timing. It is today when you focus on yourself and on what you crave to reach.